Some things in Fantasy Football cannot be explained, like when "phone guy" (every draft has one) tries to take Matt Forte at the tail end of the 8th round. Other things, like why Plaxico Burress is claimed in 1% of Yahoo fantasy leagues, will question your faith in humanity.

I have assembled a team that would probably beat several of mine, I call them "The 1%ers". This team is comprised of the NFL players that are claimed in merely 1% of leagues. I'll give you a minute to catch your breath after such a creative team name.

Time's up.

QB: Matt Flynn (Green Bay Packers)
Flynn's role as Aaron Rodgers' backup has been wildly unheralded. And for good reason.

cursed or just shitty?

RB: T.J. Duckett (Seattle Seahawks)
T.J.'s last name rhymes with "fuck it". Coincidence? I didn't think so either.

You would like him when he's angry. Or when he's calm for that matter.

RB: Edgerrin James (Seattle Seahawks)
Wow, two Seahawks cracked our starting lineup. Hope you have that Lamborghini paid off, Edge.

make 'em say "meh..."

WR: Josh Reed (Buffalo Bills)
I once knew a guy named Josh Reed. No? Well, not me personally, but a guy I know. No? Well you can imagine what it'd be like if I did!

yeah...who?

WR: Joey Galloway (New England Patriots)
The former Ohio State wide-out has fallen on some fantasy hard times. Hard times and soft (read: fat) women, he's fallen on both.

in '95, he was known as Dropsie Spice

WR: David Clowney (New York Jets)
With that name, shouldn't he have been traded to the Browns by now?

even Google image search struggled with this one

FLEX (RB/WR/TE): Jordy Nelson (Green Bay Packers)
Great things come in two's: boobs, twins, and now shitty players on the Bucs, Seahawks, and now the Packers.

Doesn't Jordy know the importance of helmet safety while being creepy?

TE: Jerramy Stevens (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
Really thought this made our third Seahawk until I saw he was with the Bucs now. When did that happen?

thanks for dressing up

K: Matt Bryant (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
Alright, our second pirate. AARGH!!

Mothers...don't let...your boys grow up to be kickers...

DEF: St. Louis Rams
Just what former Giants defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo wants to see. Couldn't have settled for being a bridesmaid, could ya?

Whoo...this was a mistake...

Bench: QB, Daunte Culpepper (Detroit Lions); RB, Andre Brown (NY Giants); RB, Heath Evans (New Orleans Saints); WR, Jerheme Urban (Arizona Cardinals); WR, Brian Robiskie (Cleveland Browns)
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Matt Ufford linked this today on Warming Glow. As a fan of monkeys humping things, I felt it was deserving of a post here.



This monkey is an inspiration to us all. You want that froggie beejer? You take that froggie beejer! Read more!

In the same vein of Conan O'Brien, I will take a look into the future. All the way into the year 2010. Today we'll look at the future of the Cleveland Browns.

Eric Mangini will be retained as coach after losing the remaining games of the season by a combined 69 points. Randy Lerner will giggle like a child and forget to fire him.

Julie Mangini, Eric's hand-chosen wife, will voluntarily leave the Mangini organization. Eric will assume the role of both husband and wife.

Jamal Lewis will make good on his threat of retirement. In related news, Joe Thomas will no longer hear the pitter-patter of indecisive feet dancing in his head.

Mike Holmgren will be hired as new football czar, will mandate team mustaches be added to the dress code. Quinn's inability to adhere to new dress code will result in his ultimate release.

Derek Anderson will pull a Pat Tillman and enter the armed services. Unfortunately, once entering the battle field, he will continue to undershoot his targets and bury every round in the dirt.
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Everyone seems to be doing these "fun with google" posts. Why? Because they're easy.





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If you don't laugh at these videos, we cannot be friends.





Ufford over at Warming Glow blew the lid off this fraud, so don't feel TOO bad for laughing. Read more!

Today's Columbus Dispatch features a report by the Columbus Chamber of Commerce painting a harsh reality for the Columbus Blue Jackets. The CBJ are locked into a lease agreement with Nationwide Insurance that has them hemorrhaging $12 million per year. The model of privately owned arenas was all the rage when the Jackets entered the league in 2000 but has proven to not be sustainable. This isn't just a Blue Jackets problem. This is a problem that franchises around the league are finding themselves in. This is the issue the Pittsburgh Penguins found themselves in that nearly had them relocating. If alternate sources of revenue are not identified, Columbus may lose the Blue Jackets.

**Warning: Lots of words ahead!**

The report states that "the Blue Jackets team has suffered operating losses of roughly $12
million during each year of its existence."

It should be pointed out that this has nothing to do with attendance and fan support. The Jackets are one of few teams experiencing double digit attendance increases over this point last year, according to the Columbus Dispatch.

"The Jackets are drawing 15,802 fans through their first five games. They drew 13,977 through the same period a season ago.

The Jackets are one of just three teams to show a double-digit increase. The others are Atlanta (12.3 percent) and Boston (12.2 percent)."

This issue bubbled up earlier in the year when it leaked that the Jackets were having overall financial problems. There was a plan to add an extra half percent tax to cigarettes and alcohol purchases in Franklin County to have the arena purchased by the county and become publicly owned. In real terms, that equates to two or three cents per pack of cigarettes. Two or three cents! If I see two cents on the ground, I leave it. It's not worth bending over to pick it up. If those few pennies can keep my team in the city, they can have it and then some. However, because of the way the news was leaked, there was an immediate and negative public backlash and the issue was buried until today.

The survival of the Blue Jackets affects more than just hockey fans. The Arena District has gotten both a physical and economic face lift since the Jackets arrival in 2000. Ty Marsh of the Columbus Chamber of Commerce stated in a radio interview today that the Blue Jackets have generated $630 million through 2008. A sentiment echoed by an article on ColumbusUnderground.com. The Arena District is an internationally renowned model. Edmonton and other markets have traveled to Columbus to study and copy the plan. The Blue Jackets and Arena District are a selling point that the Chamber uses when bringing in new businesses to the area. New businesses have come to Columbus. Not huge companies like GE or Microsoft, but businesses are moving in and giving Columbus residents jobs.

“It is important that our community retain this team,” said Dave Blom, President, Ohio Health and Chair, Columbus Chamber Board of Directors. “The Columbus Blue Jackets impact our regional economy, support thousands of jobs, and bring millions of dollars in tax revenue that contribute to our quality of life.”

There are two avenues to help the team and ownership recover: a public option and a private option.

The public option would be the county buying the arena. This can be accomplished without a tax increase to the citizens. This is what was done in Nashville and was successful. Remember, attendance is not a factor in what is considered a success or failure.

The private option would include either a private enterprise (or consortium of enterprises) purchasing the arena and giving the Jackets a more favorable lease agreement or the Jackets renegotiating a new lease agreement with Nationwide Insurance. Given the economic situation at Nationwide, I'm sure they wouldn't mind getting out from under the arena. In my opinion, a renegotiation of the lease with the current owner (Nationwide is most certainly NOT on your side) is highly unlikely.

Nationwide is a shady organization anyway. This is a company that celebrated when their lawyers found a loophole that got them out of covering thousands of people during a Florida hurricane. Homes were destroyed by floods and flood damage. People who had flood insurance. Nationwide's lawyers found a way to claim it was wind damage that destroyed the house and wasn't covered or something like that. I might have it backwards, I'm no Carl Monday.

If Mayor Coleman was smart, he would put a hold on his plan to introduce public rail cars in downtown and do what he could to keep the Blue Jackets a part of the Columbus fabric. There is NO economic benefit to the rail car system he's been pushing for. There is a proven economic benefit to having the team downtown. No one is coming to town to ride on a trolley. At least 41 times a year, thousands of people from the area converge on downtown to attend a Blue Jackets game. These people usually eat at an area restaurant while they're there. They tend to have a few beers at the local bars. They also might fill up their gas tanks at a local gas station. All of this is revenue for local businesses and tax money for the county.

I don't claim to be an economist, I don't have the answers. I'm just a passionate fan and overall jackass who doesn't want to see his team taken away. (Waaahhh!!!) The sky may not be falling today but if something isn't done, it will be. It's like global warming, but real.

UPDATE (11/6/2009) An article in today's Columbus Dispatch has the following reaction from important people...

Franklin County commissioners called the district an engine of economic development, but pledged that "Franklin County tax dollars will not be used."

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Hey readers (yes, both of you), click the link below to hear the 2nd installment of me and Punter chewing the fat on the KSK podcast. We BS a bit, pick games with a listener, play another "lost" interview, and keep it just under 90 mins.

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/11/20916.html

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What do you like? What do you hate? Let me know in the comments. It's the People's Podcast, only on KSK (and here, and linked other places, but mostly on KSK). Read more!

Sometimes you overhear a piece of a conversation that will let you know in an instant that you can never be friends with someone or date someone. Obvious things like herpes or cleft palates are being omitted from consideration. Here is a list of these kinds of people...

Reading or watching Twilight and talking about it

Teenage vampire love stories suck and so do you for talking about it. At least, I assume that's what it's about based on the advertising.


Ambivalence, hatred, and/or being completely off-base regarding sports

Just a time saver to know this up front. Have a nice life, dipshit.

Real world example: The other day I was outside smoking at work and some guy was talking about the Browns game and when Rob Ryan was going ape shit, yelling at a Bears player and his players had to hold him back. He stated, "Come on man, you're the coach. Show some restraint." It's Buddy Ryan's kid and his brother is just as bat shit, for fuck's sake. What are you expecting? That pop I felt in my head was most likely an aneurysm.

Anyone old enough to drink who talks about Harry Potter

The only hog warts you should be publicly discussing are those your college roommate got after you dared him or her to sleep with a hobo for $5. A topical ointment should clear those right up.


Conspiracy Theorists

Is Big Brother watching you pinch a loaf? Are the Masonic symbols on the dollar bill keeping tabs on you? You f*ck yourself, nutjob.


Anyone who drives a Subaru


Two types of people drive Subarus. Lesbians and environmentalist hippies. Hot lesbians don't drive these, gym teacher lesbians do. Hot lesbians aren't really that cool anyway, they want nothing to do with you. Just stare her up and down and tuck that memory away for later.


People with elaborate paintings of themselves at centaurs


Sorry A-Rod. I picture you prancing through the forest, killing man for sport in a loincloth, fringed vest, and moccasins, nothing else. Then I throw up in my mouth a little.


People who refer to something they heard on Oprah/Dr. Phil/The View in defending a point in an argument

Is your flimsy argument bolstered by something the gum-flapping nothings on Oprah, Dr. Phil, or The View said the other day? Go die
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Terrelle Pryor's mechanics are bad. Juice Williams bad. He is throwing off his back foot so much, he has invented the Moonwalk Formation. Is this his fault? Hell no. This is a direct reflection on coaching. Pryor's quarterback coaching is only slightly better than Billy Joel's drivers ed instruction. So how does he fix it? My suggestion, take a page from Columbus Blue Jackets star Steve Mason's book and coach yourself!

Last year, Mason's goalie coach, Clint Malarchuk, shot himself in the face and left young Mason to fend for himself for the 2nd half of the season and through the playoffs. His only tutelage coming from backup journeyman Wade Dubielewicz (who had less NHL starting experience than Mase at that point) and the occasional text message from a fill-in goalie coach with poorer attendance than Ferris Bueller.

So how do we accomplish this?

Step 1: Give Tress a .22 caliber rifle let him do his thing. (note: I really hope this NEVER happens)


Step 2: Give Pryor a copy of Tom Emanski's Instructional Baseball video. It's self teaching at it's finest. Well, that is until Chris Chandler comes out of hiding and makes a video. Call now and he'll throw in three concussions for the price of one! (Operators standing by)


Step 3: Sit back and watch the magic! Mason coached himself to the playoffs and the Calder Trophy. The sky is the limit for Pryor and I'm not referring to the insane amount of air he puts under his deep throws. Really, you could land a plane under his bombs.


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Do bedroom eyes sell burritos? Maybe not, but I just rubbed my genie the right way.

Christina Aguilera, recording artist and star of my liquid dreams (another 90's pop reference, get it? hello?), is the poster child of a somewhat confusing charitable donation campaign for Taco Bell. Apparently you give them money and they feed hungry people. I'm not sure how this differs from their normal business model.

(dick joke)
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