While listening to ESPN radio at work, I just heard the gayest story ever.

After the Lakers game 6 loss to the Rockets, Kobe was in the shower by himself. He hears someone enter. It's Ron Artest to tell him not to worry, that he will do everything he can to come to LA and help him win the title. Then they slapped dicks together and shared a spaghetti dinner.

What part of this story was fabricated?

Warning: This is a post about poker.

Nothing sucks more than people talking about poker, unless you are the one telling the story. Nobody gives a shit if your 9/10 off-suit hit the straight on the river. Especially the guy who played his three of a kind for way too long. He wants to kill you.

However, all of that said, there is a great new (to me) poker site, CarbonPoker.com. They are hosting a Blogger Poker Tournament on Wednesday, July 15th at 7:00pm. Never before has there been a virtual synergy of parents' basements like this.

Let me take a moment and whore myself out to CarbonPoker. Honestly, this is a very smooth site for anyone who likes their online poker without having "professional" scumbags thrown in your face. Oh, George from Seinfeld plays on PokerStars. F*ck him, he should be under a table blowing Jerry Seinfeld every hour of every day. Jason, you were in "Dunston Checks In". Why should I trust your judgement for one GD second? Oh, Chris Ferguson plays on Full Tilt. It's either Chris Ferguson or Jesus just got off his all day shift working the Tilt O' Whirl at the county fair. Those muffled screams from his white, unmarked van? Never mind those. Those Amber Alert descriptions looking for that same van? Pay attention to those!

I'm getting off track.

They offer a wide variety of games and tournaments. They have a ton of different poker options, including table games, video poker, blackjack, and roulette. One thing I found that is pretty cool is the Twitter Freerolls for those users who follow them on twitter (@carbonpoker). The tables are aesthetically pleasing, the games dealt at a good rate, the interface very user friendly. You can also refer and add friends to a buddy list feature. If I could have sex with any poker website, it would be CarbonPoker. Wait, scratch that, I wouldn't "have sex" with it, I'd "make love" to it. I'm a gentleman like that. CarbonPoker is definitely worth the free download. You can find me on CarbonPoker under the (clever) nickname of brandonROTU. My player icon is Jesus, however the lack of re-buys in the blogger tournament will seriously affect my ability to rise again.

Oh, here's the current list of the blogs sending representatives to participate in the Blogger Tournament next Wednesday evening. Unlike poker games at my uncle's house, this time I will be allowed to wear pants! Yay!

Brandon (me) from Ramblings of the Unmotivated (no, I won't link my own site)

PUNTE from WithLeather

Mike from Don Chavez

Awful Announcing

Tas Melas from The Basketball Jones

Chris from Pyle of List

Alan from CarbonPoker's Blog

Cousins of Ron Mexico from Major League Jerk and The Big Lead

theStarterWife from Black and Gold Tchotchkes

The bizarre and shocking saga of Steve "Air" McNair was wrapped up today as police officially declared the tragedy a murder-suicide. As EVERYONE knows, McNair's (now ex) girlfriend shot him to death in his Nashville condo on Independence Day. Sing about THAT, Martina McBride! 20-year old Sahel Kazemi shot the former NFL MVP and Pros vs. Joes gunslinger while he slept on the couch, then turned the gun on herself. While the medical examiner wouldn't comment, this self appointed expert believes that had the bullets landed one yard short, McNair would still be alive today. See Kevin Dyson, THAT is how you go the extra distance.

It's official. The terrorists have won. We now live in a world where a married man cannot take a nap on his couch on America's Birthday while ignoring his wife and kids without having his mistress shoot him to death. R.I.P. freedom, it's been real.

As for McNair, hard to feel sorry for the guy considering he turned out to be such a scumbag. Reports now suspect he was having a second affair. Same thing happened when my grandpa retired. However, in his case, instead of having two affairs that ended in his murder, he took up shuffleboard. Other than that, same thing.

Quick question: If your girlfriend kills you and herself, is she then your ex-girlfriend? Is the murder-suicide a de facto breakup?

Time for our new daily feature, Random Photoshop of the Day. We'll see how long this lasts. It should be noted that I don't actually have photoshop, only MS Paint. MS Paint of the Day didn't have the same ring.

In a cruel twist of fate, a clerical error has led to the death of beloved pitchman Billy Mays. Death had 78 year old MLB icon Willie Mays on his docket but instead targeted the man that brought the world products such as Mighty Putty, Oxi-Clean, and Kaboom.

Granted, Death has had a busy and high profile week having closed his files on Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. However, regardless of his case load, anything less than 100% accuracy is unacceptable in his department. Death has been suspended without pay for two weeks. Also, he has an opening for a new secretary. She has been...terminated.

Should have been you, ShamWow guy.

In all seriousness, head over to his son's Twitter page (http://twitter.com/youngbillymays) and offer your best wishes and prayers. He and his family are publicly dealing with a tragic loss.

Well, not really. But a guy that looks like Randy Jackson was arrested for murder. WBNS 10TV in Columbus, OH reports that Robert Knight (pictured above) was arrested after a maintenance worker in his apartment complex found body part in the pond.

"Divers and crime scene investigators found numerous body parts on the banks and in the water. Robert A. Knight, 50, who lives in the apartment complex, was taken into custody and was charged in connection with Tracey F. Moore's death, according to police. Orange cones and yellow flags were scattered across the apartment complex where human remains were found. Remains were also found in Dumpsters nearby, in the woods behind the apartment complex and inside Knight's freezer, 10TV's Maureen Kocot reported."

Ramblings of the Unmotivated has gotten ahold of the police interrogation tape of fake-Randy Jackson's confession.

Columbus police: "What do you have to say for yourself?"
Fake Randy Jackson: "Yo Yo Yo, we've got a hot one tonight!"
CPD: "Excuse me?"
FRJ: "Yeah, molten fire lava hot!"
CPD: "We found remains in your freezer, you're going away for life."
FRJ: "For me, for you, for me, for you....I'm not really feeling that. Ya know! Ya know!"
CPD: "I have no idea what that even means."
FRJ: "You have love for your dawg. You're all honorary members of the Dawg Pound."
CPD: "Did you kill Tracey Moore, chop up his body, and spread the remains?"
FRJ: "I don't know if the song choice worked for me. It was a little pitchy."
CPD: "You killed Tracey over a song?"
FRJ: "Yeah, T was up here (sings high), then down here (sings low), it was a mess for me."
CPD: "Book him. Now."
FRJ: "Paula?"


Sad story, but at least Randy doesn't have to worry about his doppelganger roaming the streets anymore. Here's a side by side comparison.

Time for our new daily feature, Random Photoshop of the Day. We'll see how long this lasts. It should be noted that I don't actually have photoshop, only MS Paint. MS Paint of the Day didn't have the same ring. (A little late today, but who's counting?)